Virginia Tomorrow

Forget the $3-per-ton tax credit we give Virginia’s billion-dollar-profit utilities for burning Virginia coal.  Forget the billion-dollar rebate we send to localities for taxes they impose.  Forget the hundred million dollar fee we pay retailers just for collecting the sales tax.  There is a better way. 

–Unleash market forces into the legislative process-let the lobbyists simply bid on what they want.  When a bill comes up, the high bidder will determine whether it becomes law, is amended, or killed-buyer’s choice.  The current sneak-around-and-flash-the-cash system is inefficient in the extreme.  And there is an added benefit:  this will shut up all those “open government” sob sisters.

 –Encourage absenteeism off-session.  Bill Bolling caught all that hell for missing meetings.  He should have been applauded.  Pay the legislators to stay at home.  The more meetings they miss, the better off we are-and in the long run it’s a hell of a lot cheaper.

–Don’t close the liquor stores-mandate patronage.  Make consumption compulsory, especially on Election Day.  Replace photo-ID with a breathalyzer-you’ve got to be legally intoxicated to vote.  You see what happened during the last election?  We’ve tried sober government.  Let’s try it drunk.

–Remove all the chairs from the Capitol and the General Assembly Building.  Make everybody stand up.  This move alone would cut the ‘long’ sessions from 60 days to 10, and the ’short’ ones from 45 to 4-basically, a long weekend.  Plus, we could sell all those chairs.

–Institute a bonus system for the introduction of bad bills.  Folks will pay good money to see them passed.  Double the bonus for good bills.  Lobbyists will ante up real cash getting them killed.

–Don’t cut legislator’s pay-triple it.  It’ll be cheaper in the long run if we incent them to eschew part time gigs.  Where do you think William and Mary gets $160,000 to pay Tommy Norment to teach two classes?  You got it.  Phil Hamilton?  Pfft!  Hamilton succumbed to chicken feed.

–Exhume the ‘T’ word.  No, not taxes, for God’s sake, tithes!  Impose a 50% ‘tithe’ on all campaign contributions-half to the candidate, half to the state.  The state would have picked up a cool $20 million just on the governor’s race.  Calling it a ‘tithe’ should help with the religious…ahh…contingent.  They’d freak out on ‘tax.’  They’re freaky enough as it is.

–And K-12?  What a waste!  Why not eliminate the even-numbered grades?  Let kids start drawing unemployment when they’re 12.  There are no jobs in Virginia.  Why make a kid wait until he or she is 22, and facing all that college debt, before breaking the news to them?  Get’em early-teach them responsible unemployment while they’re still malleable.

–And finally, we must recognize that we’re all in this together and work collectively to banish  the real scourge of Virginia government.  We must root out common sense!